Last Comic Standing Soliloquy

The Unknown Soldier (The Doors)
Posted on 02/07/2008 at 02:55 PM


"Wait until the war is over and we're both a little older, the unknown soldier.. Bullets strike the helmets head.. and it’s all over for the unknown soldier.

I am home now after spending 20 hours in the line for "LAST COMIC STANDING 2008" and I am having a beer and listening to the Doors. Only when I am borderline suicidal or trying to figure out where I have gone wrong and why I’m such a failure is when I listen to The Doors or Side 2 of The Wall. Actually Albinoni’s Adagio in G minor is more appropriate for suicidal tendencies.

Perhaps feeling like this is due in part to the fact that waiting in line for 20 hours just to go into an audition in a “Russian Roulette” fashion. Was that not terrible this year how they made it even less gratifying then last year???

We started this battle with some hope, some sense of purpose, dignity. After leaving the audition I became SO numb and really had NO emotion as I’m sure everyone else was too exhausted to even comprehend how this all went down this year.

The part that actually made me even more ill then the actual audition was having that little anorexic British Model Co-host go into the line outside to get interviews and coverage of crazy people that they thought were interesting to tape for the show. For one thing, why do they need a British speaking model?? What is it that they have to get the BBC involved for ratings???

Then they had these long-legged beauties from the University of Arizona. What was that about? All they did was walk back and forth in their 14 inch heels and size 2 bodies prancing back and forth. That was supposed to be funny???? I don’t get it!

Just a quick note on my actual audition experience. The ten of us are called to go downstairs. They have 4 different stations set up with different talent scouts and producers. The one my group got was this nice young African American fellow.

I knew most of the people in my group. Alan Schwartz was in my group and I think he did very well. I also had Harry with the hand puppet, the green eel that looks like a lizard of “Low self esteem” in the group with me.

Well he bombed which made me even more nervous and then I bombed. Next thing I got really pissed at Harry for talking over my audition and saying that I need a prop, as I had my guitar for a backup plan. So I told him that he would be a loser and nothing without his stupid green puppet and told him to SHUT-UP!

Next thing you know, our guy that auditioned us, if you want to call it that, was cracking up over at my fight with Harry and his STOOPIT green puppet, Hortense. So the guy asks that Harry and I remain behind to be videotaped.

So Harry and I went outside and hung out until one of the production assistants told us the film crew was ready for us. This was about an hour later. Basically they wanted Harry with his green puppet and me to go back into the line and get into a “Staged” verbal fight!

So Harry and I accommodated them and it went okay. They may or may not use the “Abuse files” against his STOOPIT green puppet of low self esteem, Hortense. The only reason they liked us is that they were desperate for some footage to make season 6 of Last Comic Standing survive! Yes it was FODDER for the FILES!

Anyways, aside from my experience I must say that it was fun in terms of the great people that I met in line as well as meeting some of you Comedy soap boxers in person. You know who you are! :)

Also…Congrats to Angry BOB, Sandy Beach, and whoever did get a call back!

Unfortunately I am STILL listening to the DOORS! God Bless Jim and JOHN Morrison!

Make a grave for the unknown soldier….. This is the end Beautiful friend This is the end My only friend, the end Of our elaborate plans, the end, Of everything that “LAST COMIC” that stands, the end

CA=)

Canada Mom

So I am originally from the 51st state, the cultural wasteland known as Canada. Land of beer, hockey and a place you can flee to if Bush institutes the draft.

I now live in Astoria, Queens with a guy. His name is Astoria guy.

I used to live in the suburbs of Canada with my Mother, Canada Mom.

Canada Mom is originally from a place called Eastern Europe. It's a place where they have accents and sound like this.

I can be a million miles away and the wrath of Canada Mom follows me everywhere I go. I can still hear her say “Ven are you going to make me a Grand-Mutter!”

The pressure gets more intense as I'm in my 30's and all my friends are married and with children.

Canada Mom goes “Look at all your friends are having a baby and vat are you waiting for?” “Ven vill you maken me Grand-Mutter???”

So I'm in bed with this really hot guy. All our clothes are off , It's getting really hot under the sheets, and we are panting and getting down to the kill. We are just at our climax point about to go all the way Ah Aha ahh..All of a sudden it happens “Ven will you make me Grand-MOther?” Well I'm trying but you keep interrupting!!

It's like my biology clock is not even ticking what's killing me. It's the explosive impending voice of doom “Ven Vill you maken me Granmother!”

Canada Mom wants me to have a baby SO badly that I fear the day that I will be in a hospital strapped down and ready to give birth. I can see it now. I will be there in the delivery room , She would wahck the Doctor out of the way and pull the baby out herself! “This is my baby. Get out of my way!!” “ I am the Grand-Mother!”

When I first moved to New York I remember my Mother wishing me good luck and all the best. “If you got to New York, you will be killed.”

The best of course was her vote of confidence to pursuing my career. “Vat you think your going to be the next American Idol?” “Your no idol and your not even American”! (or) “Vat you think that your going to be the next comedy star, your not even funny!”

Canada Mom's voice of reason would actually come in handy when telemarketers would call the house.

“Who is this?” “Who is calling?” “I don't want this garbage you are selling. Don't calling here again.”

Canada Mom didn't take crap form anyone. Though sometimes, it didn't work out for me. Especially when I had boyfriends call the house.

“Hello, can I speak to Annie?” “Who is?” “This is John.” “Annie is Not home don't not calling here again!” “You call here again and I will put gypsy curse on you Stupid!”

Wonder why none of my boyfriends lasted in High school.